Mutura Aficionado

Mutura is one of those mystery delicacies that you must enjoy from time to time unless the doctor expressly stated, in writing and in presence of a lawyer, that you risk your life if you partake in this street cuisine. Well, there are also other rules handed down from generation to generation. I present to you a summarized list of these rules. 

Be fiercely loyal to your mutura guy

A man is supposed to be fiercely loyal to two things: a football team, a barber, and a mutura seller. When you think deeply about these things, they cannot be explained, which is the whole point of living. What is the point of living if you have to justify your obsessions? There is a reason why it’s hard to break into the mutura business – people are loyal to their joints. You open for two days, and close because people are used to a particular taste – and particular here means ‘not your taste.’ A man will trek three kilometers, as we often did, to that one guy who knew our taste. 

Do not order mutura in bulk 

Mutura does not brag. You do not order, say mutura ya soo at once. Nobody will think highly of you if that’s what you want. You order in bits of ten or twenty. You must taste it first. There’s always an off-chance that it could taste like a witch’s sock (which brings us to rule one since you have grown accustomed to his taste). When you are satisfied with the taste, you consult your wallet and if it agrees, you order another one. And another. And another….

All mutura must be eaten at the mutura base, on that chopping board 

I have seen people, especially ladies, order mutura and ask for it to be wrapped. That level of insolence toward a sacred snack is intolerable. You break so many laws of mutura. And you should be in jail. First, you will order in bulk, second, you do not let your wallet chase you from the base. No one worth his salt goes around carrying mutura. What if someone knocks it off? Have you ever asked yourself what could happen? You haven’t, clearly. 

Mutura must be eaten only after the sun sets 

You see, according to research conducted by Harvard School of Mutura, parasites aka minyoo also like mutura. You need to eat only in dark, when they cannot see. Otherwise, is there a point in making such a sacrifice? I doubt the research, though. However, I will not tell you what I saw during curfew and mutura guys would open at 3 pm. Ask a hygiene-nazi close to you. 

Do not ever want to see how mutura is made 

As far as I was concerned, the ingredients of mutura were a mystery to me. Not until a stupid mzungu shot a video about it to boost his dwindling YouTube views. I was disgusted at that mzungu for revealing the secret ingredients of a beloved food. On a serious note, you may hate mutura if you see how it’s made. The only consolation is that it is not laced with any chemicals as preservatives. 

There is no reason why you eat mutura

This is the last rule. There is no reason why eat or should eat mutura. There is no reason why you shouldn’t eat it either. Nobody knows the nutritional value of mutura. Research might even establish that it has zero calories. It cannot be a meal. You cannot survive on mutura alone. No doctor will either prescribe mutura or tell you that you shouldn’t eat mutura if you want to vote for the Hustler government to screw us all over again. I have only heard one guy try to explain mutura, “you are wasting mutura if you do not have a wife.” As I write this, I have never understood what he meant. It was his own reason and his reason alone. He does not represent any sane mutura-loving human being.