Mollie

I loved Mollie until last Christmas. I cannot say that we were inseparable because there’s a way love makes people stupid. To say we were inseparable is to admit that I was stupid. Of course, I was, especially when she had no clothes on. I, a humble peasant, even promised to buy her a helicopter. And to prove that love makes people stupid, the daughter of Eve believed me. I guess I can conclude that the moment you become wise when in a relationship, you are no longer in love – it’s time to move. And to stay in that relationship after that is to invite bad omen, or, in severe cases, even death. Well, I am not qualified to offer any relationship advice anyway. 

Mollie and I were an item until I revealed that I enjoyed slaughtering animals for food, especially on Christmas days. I did not say it in a way that made it look like slaughtering animals was a hobby I derived immense joy. No. The whole process is arduous and unsightly. You have to deal with a lot of blood. And the insides of animals aren’t aesthetically appealing either. Well, not until they have been subjected to fire for a reasonable period of time. 

I remember the look on Mollie’s face. It was as though I had revealed a dark secret that would have enabled the police to nab a serial killer – me. She had asked me to repeat what I had said because Mollie was the sort of person who would make you repeat something she thought was marvelously stupid. I repeated it because I am not the sort of person who backs down from such a simple request. 

“You are a disgusting human being!” At that point and time, I knew she would have chosen to cuddle scum over me. 

“Why would you say that?” I asked feigning innocence. As a man, you have to learn to feign innocence when dealing with certain females you have been intimate with. 

“You enjoy murdering animals?!!” 

“How else would we eat them?” The moment the words left my mouth, I knew I had opened a can of worms. 

She held her head and took a deep breath for what seemed like an eternity. Women are fond of doing that when you say something a certified moron would say. I was not worried because I did not find anything wrong with slaughtering and eating animals. 

Mollie threw me a murderous look before she spoke. 

“I cannot be in love with someone who enjoys slaughtering animals,” she finally said, then sighed deeply. I watched her chest slowly retreat into a body before stopping in its usual place, the place I liked. 

“It’s not like it's my profession. I do not wake up every morning to murder animals,” I defended myself, even using the word I detested – murder. 

“Murderer.” She muttered under her breath. 

“What?” I asked as she does. I am the sort of person who plays against another using their own tactics to see how they like it. 

“Animal murderer.” 

Mollie was the sort of person with the most malleable belief system. Her worldview changed with the weather. I could tell that she had become an animal rights activist. Or desperately wanted to find a reason to break up with me. Women are sometimes like that. One day she loves you, the next day she finds the way you breathe a criminal offense. Knowing Mollie, I didn’t think she wanted to break up with me, at least not yet. The day would come, eventually, but I did not think that it would be that soon. She had professed her love a week ago, which, according to me, was reasonable enough to take me through the month. Unless I do something remarkable, which I rarely do. 

Mollie had turned into those people who hate meat. I have no problem with that. The problem is trying to recruit everyone into their sick and twisted animal-loving cult. It is not just animal lovers or activists. When you look around you, people are trying to recruit you into some stupid cult. Like that group with the funny-looking initials that start L. Can’t you love something without shoving it on everyone else’s face? 

I later learned that Mollie’s pet dog was run over by a car as she watched. Her sister Pollie told me. Although the dog was not hers, she had felt an obligation to join those who advocated for animal rights. for me, I believe that animals have one right – to be eaten. I told Mollie so and she spat me out of her heart, forever. It hurt since I had not projected that I would be on the hunt for another girl so soon. Now I have to wait until valentine's is over. I guess that’s when plenty of women will be on the market after being dumped or learning that they were being taken for a ride.