Mutura Aficionado

Mutura is one of those mystery delicacies that you must enjoy from time to time unless the doctor expressly stated, in writing and in presence of a lawyer, that you risk your life if you partake in this street cuisine. Well, there are also other rules handed down from generation to generation. I present to you a summarized list of these rules. 

Be fiercely loyal to your mutura guy

A man is supposed to be fiercely loyal to two things: a football team, a barber, and a mutura seller. When you think deeply about these things, they cannot be explained, which is the whole point of living. What is the point of living if you have to justify your obsessions? There is a reason why it’s hard to break into the mutura business – people are loyal to their joints. You open for two days, and close because people are used to a particular taste – and particular here means ‘not your taste.’ A man will trek three kilometers, as we often did, to that one guy who knew our taste. 

Do not order mutura in bulk 

Mutura does not brag. You do not order, say mutura ya soo at once. Nobody will think highly of you if that’s what you want. You order in bits of ten or twenty. You must taste it first. There’s always an off-chance that it could taste like a witch’s sock (which brings us to rule one since you have grown accustomed to his taste). When you are satisfied with the taste, you consult your wallet and if it agrees, you order another one. And another. And another….

All mutura must be eaten at the mutura base, on that chopping board 

I have seen people, especially ladies, order mutura and ask for it to be wrapped. That level of insolence toward a sacred snack is intolerable. You break so many laws of mutura. And you should be in jail. First, you will order in bulk, second, you do not let your wallet chase you from the base. No one worth his salt goes around carrying mutura. What if someone knocks it off? Have you ever asked yourself what could happen? You haven’t, clearly. 

Mutura must be eaten only after the sun sets 

You see, according to research conducted by Harvard School of Mutura, parasites aka minyoo also like mutura. You need to eat only in dark, when they cannot see. Otherwise, is there a point in making such a sacrifice? I doubt the research, though. However, I will not tell you what I saw during curfew and mutura guys would open at 3 pm. Ask a hygiene-nazi close to you. 

Do not ever want to see how mutura is made 

As far as I was concerned, the ingredients of mutura were a mystery to me. Not until a stupid mzungu shot a video about it to boost his dwindling YouTube views. I was disgusted at that mzungu for revealing the secret ingredients of a beloved food. On a serious note, you may hate mutura if you see how it’s made. The only consolation is that it is not laced with any chemicals as preservatives. 

There is no reason why you eat mutura

This is the last rule. There is no reason why eat or should eat mutura. There is no reason why you shouldn’t eat it either. Nobody knows the nutritional value of mutura. Research might even establish that it has zero calories. It cannot be a meal. You cannot survive on mutura alone. No doctor will either prescribe mutura or tell you that you shouldn’t eat mutura if you want to vote for the Hustler government to screw us all over again. I have only heard one guy try to explain mutura, “you are wasting mutura if you do not have a wife.” As I write this, I have never understood what he meant. It was his own reason and his reason alone. He does not represent any sane mutura-loving human being. 

Words

the words dance in slow mournful 

grace, 

inhibited by the mystery it fails 

to reveal, 

the silent rhythm crawls through

each letter, 

revealing nothing more than their  

inadequacy 

and, determinedly, embark on 

their mysterious sojourns, 

into unknown worlds 

perhaps where they can find warmth 

Poverty Is A Sin

What if, pray tell, we discover one day that poverty was a sin all along? Well, it will be too late then but just think about it. As for me, I do not want to wait until it’s too late. An ancient Greek philosopher said ‘mapema ndio best’ and these words couldn’t be any truer now than it was back then. 

I have thought deeply about this like any man capable of thinking reasonably from time to time. For that matter, I expect myself to make myself filthy rich with the least amount of effort and within the shortest time possible. You do not have to have a particularly high IQ to reach such an intellectual conclusion. Me, I have purposed to be rich for the past three years or so years. Somewhere along the Adulting Road, I realized that my obsessions cost a lot of money. And just like the next person, I could use a million shillings. 

I do not believe that money cannot buy happiness. Or love. Anybody who tells you that money cannot buy happiness has more money than he ever needs, is terminally ill, or is dead. You must have too much money to make certain conclusions about money. As broke as I am, I am 93.27% sure that money will set me on the path toward happiness. Think about things money can do. Point of correction; think about things a lot of money can do. You could be a complete moron and people will still applaud you. In some extreme circumstances, you might even believe them thinking that you are a “person of the people.” However, when election results are announced, you realize that even your close family members pretend to like you. I think that’s the worst way to use your millions. 

It saddens me to think that there are people who still think that money cannot buy love. I do not blame them. Again, this is a rich-people problem, and they should never ever think that we subscribe to such nonsense. It has been proven scientifically that money can actually buy love. According to Dave Barry, a humor scientist who specialized in a branch of science known as ‘making things up,’ money can buy love – it can buy a lot of high-quality fake love. If you can buy fake love, what is the point of buying low-quality? 

Your worldview does not matter. Money makes life a whole lot better and easier. When you have money and you are bored, you could hire a hitman to kill boredom. And that’s not even the best part – the best part is that you can afford a lawyer (for purposes of this article, a lawyer is anyone who can throw a cocktail of big English and Latin words and wears suits). 

There are so many ways to make too much money and quickly. However, most of them are either illegal or scams. I have lived long enough to know this. There is no point in having millions of money and constantly hiding. It is the main reason we elect people with questionable characters to lead. They have been out there doing ‘shady business deals’ and when they cannot hide anymore they offer themselves up for election. It is the surest way to being untouchable and making even more money quite effortlessly. Pablo Escobar tried it but failed. 

I have tried gambling, only to realize, dismayed, that I was contributing diligently to someone else's next luxury toy. A job works the same way. I have also realized that schools indoctrinate people to accept slavery as the perfect way to live. They no longer have to forcefully enslave you - you willingly accept to be a slave, sometimes you even beg them.  

I know that I do not possess the right gene to create something as big as Microsoft or Facebook. I’ll settle for what has already been invented – religion. The last time I checked, no other brand has ever outsold Jesus since the five-day workweek. I plan to start a church, preach, and people will give me money on behalf of Jesus. And the best part of it is that I can keep it. Why, because poverty might just be another sinner they forgot to include in the bible. Living a good life isn't a sin, it is what you do when living a good life that might be sin. Like making others feel poor about themselves. 

A Ticket To Hell

I don't know much, 
but one stands clear in my mind, 

it is as clear as stars in a cloudless night 

I know without a shred of doubt

that laughing at the expense of someone else, 

in situations you shouldn't 

will earn you a straight ticket to hell 

I chose to bear my disappointments alone, 

nurse my self-inflicted obsessions in silence 

wondering why I ever became a football fan 

for a team millions of miles away 

a team that wouldn't even recognize me in my lifetime 

yet I chose to be entangled in its business 

revel in its win 

and be so dejected in their losses 

that I find banter so unbearable 

but then, what is life without obsessions? 

Do not laugh at my face 

it's probably a sin to 

to laugh at someone bearing his pain 

in silence 

Makeshift Prisons

The bars appear as beautiful as flowers In a solemn and mournful bloom Watered by silent tears of lost time Watered by broken dreams Of broken hearts

The old dreams adopted the vibrancy of rust

Withered by harsh loneliness

And the pain of disappointment

But then behind bars

Lies the freedom to be nothing

But just be, and flow with the routine

Thoughts have become murky

Harbouring every vermin and pathogen

All ready to devour souls

Just Guesses

I guess the stars that I hoped 

we would lazily gaze at, 

one night when dreaming 

became too much, 

were nothing but a mirage 

I guess the many lonely days

I nursed the pain of your absence,

especially on nights 

I craved your warm embrace, 

were nothing but seconds ticking 

to oblivion 

I guess the dreams we had, 

can now ride our broken hearts, 

ferry us wherever it wants, 

as we search for each other 

among strangers we meet 

The Good, The Bad. The Balance

there will be good days, 

that will make think that you've 

finally figured it out 

there will be bad days, 

days that will test your resolve, 

faith, courage 

there will be days that 

make you feel stuck 

in a rat race 

there will be good, and the bad 

it might be a little difficult sometimes, 

to strike a balance and 

keep moving forward 

but, regardless of any outcome, 

take the next step