The Ultimate Wing Man

In the days of our forefathers, days that the white man has duly assigned a word-primitiveness- women walked bare-chested and it was not something that Mutua (the film guy) would yap about in connection to morals. With all due respect, morality is now defined by western concepts and religion, and is passed down as African. Yes, because we’ve become too westernized. The white saw our nudity and determined that it was gross, gave us clothes and proceeded thereafter to found a million dollar porn industry.

We, the almost morally bankrupt millennials, marvel at this technology called the internet. I mean if you type certain words on your search engine, you are likely to stumble upon a million photos of naked women, in all their varieties. Well, some of us actively seek these photos day in day out, as we wait for our bets to ‘enter’ or ‘drink water.’ If you think deeply, it’s quite the easiest thing to do knowing that we do not have people who can walk into a ministry and withdraw ten billion shillings and walk away scot free. Almost always, these pictures seek us out too. It sometimes form the headlines in the local tabloids, or sometimes when you are taking a brisk walk down the anonymous and dark alleys of social media, bulky men accost you with the following headlines: LEAKED NUDES OF [insert the name your crush].

Perhaps you should begin thinking less lowly of nudity and stuff, because it has been proven to one of the qualifications to a ministerial position. Also, nudity and all that appertains to it is present in nature, just as espoused by that sculpture at JKIA. The animals are not ashamed of this act that human beings have associated with every diabolic thing possible. But then there are dogs that apparently are clueless about the act, so much that men, with all their brain cells functioning properly, decided to help them mate. It was gross to say the least; two grown men holding dogs, one the gonads of the male, and the other the ears of the bitch. This was a video conducting a guard of honour on twitter, whereby people expressed their insights, because it is a crime not to. One that caught my eye was ‘AND THE AWARD TO THE ULTIMATE WING MAN GOES TO…’ I presume he was the one holding the bitch.

Speaking of wing men, man (not the biblical man) has always been set on conquests and winning. In the ancient days, it was about masculine things such as hunting with crude weapons and going to steal cattle. The only manly thing left in this technological world, is actively soliciting nudes from ladies as well as banging them. It is the reason why men go to bars in the first place; to lose inhibitions and talk about their conquests in the same level Alexander the Great would have bragged. And then hitting on random ladies. It’s here that the wing man sometimes chips in. You never know what these ladies can do to you. Man, you could be slowly siphoning your favourite poison and all of a sudden the world gets dark, and you wake after William Ruto has been severely humiliated by the aristocrats in the year 2022. Masaibu ya boychild!!

The bar setting has ceased being the hunting ground for men. The only thing a man needs to do is wear a crisp suit and tie, look suave and stand at the matatu stage, waiting for fare to drop before he heads to his humble domiciliary. A lady will saunter around that gentleman, flaunting her credentials, once or twice before she realizes that the man is too engrossed in his phone to notice she is overqualified. She strikes up a conversation with him, where she decides that she’s also heading to the same direction as him. Because the gentleman does not want any more complications in his life, he does not even ask for the ladies number, which she notices and promptly volunteers. She’s called Beryl. The gentleman saves Beryl Beauty on his phone.

A day later Beryl claims that she’s been chased out by her brother for getting home late. She’s asking for a place to stay the night as she gathers herself. The gentleman, just like you and me, only has the house to sleep in, of course and pay rent. He recently moved, his living room is emptier than the hearts of politicians. Beryl coaxes the man until she gives up.  Later, she shows up in the middle of the night, not without a fracas with the boda boda guys. Typical Jang’o ladies. Here’s where the wingman steps in. knowing too well that it’s stupid to die for ladies who show up late in the night, reeking of cheap liquor, the wingman advises him to stay away from the fracas, as far as Timbuktu.

Being a prospective man does not make one ‘the man’. As a lady, you will deal with your squabbles before a man becomes the man. But then again nothing diminishes a man more than a lady who constantly picks up fights over extremely trivial things and expects a man to ‘sort’ the guys out. It always a losing situation especially in a public place where there are idle people itching to lay their frustrations on an innocent soul. Beryl may have learnt the hard way, escaping with only minor injuries in her internal organs.

Once the fracas has died down, the gentleman and his wingman escort Beryl to the domiciliary. There she is condemned to the coach. She sleeps like a piece of rotting log, waking up at noon. Upon waking up, she brazenly asks if there’s something to eat, and the wingman says no. the gentleman left strict instructions to the wingman before he left for work. He tiptoed out leaving her soaking in her drunken drool.  He then switches off his phone and the wingman is left all alone with a stranger in the house. His only job is to make her step of the house and then lock it.  But that’s not how Jan’go ladies operate. They came with a completely different operating manual, with some crucial pages missing. She obstinately refuses to leave, hurling curses that one feels straight in the bone, even though it is a language one barely understands.

When she asks for the tissue, the wingman knows that shit is about to go down. She enters the toilet, which also doubles up as the bathroom and the wing man promptly locks the door and calls the police who in the service to all, do not show up.