Friday, 19 May 2017

I WON’T CALL AGAIN BUT IN CASE YOU DO.......

It has withered, the flower that once bloomed at the thought of you, or your name. The scent that worshipped at your feet, that flapped its wings upon your subtle orders,  no longer lingers and the stench of its decay hangs in the air like a fresh coat of paint. I am no longer charmed by your smile, the one I thought the sun vainly tried to ape. Your laughter that echoed ever so beautifully in the hollow innards of my brain won’t even inspire my poetry, not anymore.

I am tired conjuring up excuses to meet you, following up on my own promises and shit like that. I do not have the energy anymore. I don’t want to think one day I have the courage to tell you how you kept my nights alight and how, listening to your voice, gave me a sensation, a churning in my stomach. I wanted to love you. I wanted to have every piece of you, every strand of your hair. I wanted to protect you from the world, but I am no hero-I can’t even save myself.

And one, I am tempted to think,….one day you might call, it could be ten years from now or probably even never. In case it never comes, I’ll flip through these words and imagine like it happened, like I did tell them to you one bright day. Should you call and be tempted to ask me why I am so quiet not even a word of hi, here’s what I’ll tell you or might tell for I’ll probably lie I was busy. For ten years. Yes. Ten even years. It’s possible.  

I’ll tell you that I tried to pluck courage from the depths of my soul, the untainted parts but it was too dark in there. I’ll tell you that I hoped your smile, would be enough to light it up but it just wasn’t. I’ll tell you how I couldn’t bring myself to tell you I wanted you, how my heart yearned for you. I’ll tell you I was a coward. I’ll tell I was my mother’s favourite coward.

I’ll tell you that I have done a bit of soul searching. And I realized I hate myself too much to ever love anyone deeply. I’ll tell you that I have never really trusted people completely and I believe deep down them they are self-absorbed individuals who have no regard to how others feel about them.  I’ll tell you I found out that there’s too much compromise in a relationship and you give up too much. Trouble is I didn’t have anything to give up, I don’t have anything to compromise on yet. May be never, I can’t rule out that fact. I had poetry, and I’ll tell you how I couldn’t stand the staleness of the words that stared at me if they were meant for you.
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Its everyone’s sacred longing to belong somewhere, to belong to a people who appreciate you and who make the world more appealing, like an orchard, bustling with bees and blossoming flowers, where you seek temporary refuge upon hitting a turbulence. Everybody has that place but I have never accepted mine. I live in denial. I live like I don’t belong anywhere. Where would I take you when I don’t belong anywhere?

I am in a prison of some sorts, a self-created prison. It’s here that I engage in bouts of self-loathe. It’s here that my confidence waned and I have tried several times to recapture it. It’s here that plenty of times my dreams have flickered brightly but often oscillate between brightness and pitch black darkness. I love the darkness more, no one can see my obsessions.

Lastly, it’s my prayer the paths you take on this world will cross with someone you are compatible with. I pray that you have the wisdom to distinguish between good people and bad people. I pray that your paths avoid people that will bring you misery. I pray that you will find happiness wherever you go.


And I do pray that I touched your life in some way as small as it might have been. I pray too, that I didn’t touch you as significantly to warrant mourning upon my demise. 

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