Mutura is
one of those mystery delicacies that you must enjoy from time to time unless
the doctor expressly stated, in writing and in presence of a lawyer, that you
risk your life if you partake in this street cuisine. Well, there are also
other rules handed down from generation to generation. I present to you a
summarized list of these rules.
Be fiercely loyal to your mutura guy
A man is supposed to be fiercely loyal to two things: a
football team, a barber, and a mutura seller. When you think deeply about these
things, they cannot be explained, which is the whole point of living. What is
the point of living if you have to justify your obsessions? There is a reason
why it’s hard to break into the mutura business – people are loyal to
their joints. You open for two days, and close because people are used to a
particular taste – and particular here means ‘not your taste.’ A man will trek
three kilometers, as we often did, to that one guy who knew our taste.
Do not order mutura in bulk
Mutura does not brag. You do not order, say mutura ya soo at
once. Nobody will think highly of you if that’s what you want. You order in
bits of ten or twenty. You must taste it first. There’s always an off-chance
that it could taste like a witch’s sock (which brings us to rule one since you
have grown accustomed to his taste). When you are satisfied with the taste, you
consult your wallet and if it agrees, you order another one. And another. And
another….
All mutura must be eaten at the mutura base, on that
chopping board
I have seen people, especially ladies, order mutura and
ask for it to be wrapped. That level of insolence toward a sacred snack is
intolerable. You break so many laws of mutura. And you should be in jail.
First, you will order in bulk, second, you do not let your wallet chase you
from the base. No one worth his salt goes around carrying mutura.
What if someone knocks it off? Have you ever asked yourself what could happen?
You haven’t, clearly.
Mutura must be eaten only after the sun sets
You see, according to research conducted by Harvard
School of Mutura, parasites aka minyoo also like mutura. You need
to eat only in dark, when they cannot see. Otherwise, is there a point in
making such a sacrifice? I doubt the research, though. However, I will not tell
you what I saw during curfew and mutura guys would open at 3 pm. Ask a
hygiene-nazi close to you.
Do not ever want to see how mutura is made
As far as I was concerned, the ingredients of mutura
were a mystery to me. Not until a stupid mzungu shot a video about it to boost
his dwindling YouTube views. I was disgusted at that mzungu for revealing the
secret ingredients of a beloved food. On a serious note, you may hate mutura if
you see how it’s made. The only consolation is that it is not laced with any
chemicals as preservatives.
There is no reason why you eat mutura
This is the last rule. There is no reason why eat or
should eat mutura. There is no reason why you shouldn’t eat it either.
Nobody knows the nutritional value of mutura. Research might even establish
that it has zero calories. It cannot be a meal. You cannot survive on mutura
alone. No doctor will either prescribe mutura or tell you that you
shouldn’t eat mutura if you want to vote for the Hustler government to
screw us all over again. I have only heard one guy try to explain mutura,
“you are wasting mutura if you do not have a wife.” As I write this, I
have never understood what he meant. It was his own reason and his reason
alone. He does not represent any sane mutura-loving human being.
