And, Doctor, another thing has got me worried

And, Doctor, another thing has got me worried:

I’m not drinking as much as I should…

Distinguished men, and by that honorable term, I mean men who aren’t afraid of whatever shall befall their livers, call it poison. A favourite poison. It kills slowly, in fact so slowly that you actually enjoy its bitterness going down your throat. As a man of little means, my favourite poison is a kinda fifth generation. Street quacks have included it into their gimmicks to persuade idle people to hand them a few pocket change. You’ve seen them, rugged looking with dirty clothes. A glimpse will give you the impression that they just emerged from a hole. Their presence leads to a conclusion; survival.

I crave for the poison, just to get even with that cliché that people seek strength to accept things they can’t change. Frankly, I want the drink to accept that I have accepted to let life runs its course, the actors in it (important somehow) to choose their own stories which no longer shall involve me and I to seek enthrallment from the shreds of my solitude, fix them like a jigsaw, one at a time and until I can get space to write a line of a poem.

At the moment I am the emptiness in every liquor bottle, purposeless and contemptuous. I like it like this, it makes me string my worth from ruins, from discarded memories and dreams and may be even write. May be I can be Kenya’s Charles Dickens. Or may be some else that shall be referred to in future, as colossus in the literary scene, a thing I prefer.

Henceforth, I will be mesmerized by a woman’s ass because it will stimulate my favorite body part. And by favourite I don’t mean the part linked to manpower but my brain. Whenever I shall see a humongous behind, I will automatically think of kilos it weighs and wonder when the government shall announce a tender for the supply of such fine asses. I can begin to think the features; natural, unlinked, smooth and curvy…

I have accepted, most importantly, that my phone shall henceforth be vestigial. I will not bother to bother people’s daughters with text messages and I won’t accept any bother from them too. My second favourite body has to also accept that it has had its fair share of meat. We’ve closed that chapter unless sanctioned by a qualified medical doctor, which is highly unlikely.

And for music, I shall listen like a scholar would. I shall listen for the aesthetics and creativity. I shall listen for timbre, tone, pitch…..I will be a music scholar, bottom line.

Horrible Bosses

A while back, we hear about auditions for a radio host at Capital FM. People who were hopeful streamed in to try their luck. Then after everything has been done, hopefools sweated out, the winner was announced. And it was one of the judges. Or something they called a coach. It is humiliating that you wasted your precious time which you could have used to do meaningful things such as watch porn, or more importantly lying around for no reason except because oxygen is free and that plants need a constant supply of carbon dioxide.

This very despicable, extremely diabolic act brings me to a movie I watched way back. One dude was made to work from 6 am in the morning for a promotion. For six months. The boss would give him shit for being two minutes late. On the day of promotion, the boss sauntered into the meeting room fifteen minutes late. He gives him fresh shit, which he of course attributes to his drinking problem.

 “I have finally decided who is going to be our new senior VP of sales.” The boss begins. “He is right here in this room,” he dude who had been working his ass off adjusts his coat and winks. “It’s me.” The bombshell drops. “I am going to break down the office that would have been the VPS and create one huge enormous office. However, I am going to be entitled to only 85% of the additional salary. And that is self-sacrifice people,” the boss concludes.

This brings me to the question of jobs, especially for the jobless people out there who are overly qualified. One day a job advert will be posted on the numerous Whatsapp groups you belong. The qualifications fit you perfectly well. You go about assembling all the papers that are needed, travelling up and down, and agonizing over the cover letter. But all this is a mere formality. The company in question already has a new employee, even though he or she may have studied plumbing or better yet nature interpretation.

I may not be a staunch religious person but this people make me wish that all the things they talk about hell are true so that these people can be punished forever. I mean why subject people to a meaningless process? Why even short list them and ask them to go for an interview which already has a preselected candidate? Fill that position without bothering people. 

THE END OF A MAN

A man steady demise begins

From perceptions he holds within

About his inadequacies

A man is half dead

When he thinks there’s someone better

Far much than the deserves good things

A man is dead, he who fears

Because he can’t bring himself to action

For his mind conceives destruction

A man ends begins when he craves

Solitude, away from a woman’s love

For solitude is self-euthanisation

A man’s thoughts make him

Good or bad, it will manifest

In what he attracts not what he desires

Be mean to thy self

And the world will reciprocate

Give, and the world will too

A POLITICIAN’S MIND

The electorate is one mass of ignoramus

So very clueless about the taxes they pay

So I’ll promise them that I and I alone

Can bring them development never seen

I swear they don’t even know they pay taxes

And that development isn’t to be promised

But a mandate of leaders

Last time I promised them roads

Tarmaced to a baby’s skin smoothness

None of roads were constructed the past four years

This year, I’ll bring out bulldozers

And ask them to elect me, so that I can complete projects

The ones I started, but I truth, I am not done

Visiting the world with their money

I haven’t been to Bahamas yet, that’s the incomplete project

We will be doomed if we walk the talk

The hospitals will be well stocked with drugs

And facilities, the doctors well paid

The roads will be well tarmaced, passable through the year

I mean if we do all these, where will we steal?

What will we promise them every five years?

We don’t need to the moon, do we?

WHY WOULD YOU CARE?

And the rising sun brings forth uncertainties

A cold shiver runs through your spine

You loved a man that you barely knew

Now, you are almost sure he’s on his way

To lands yonder, having stolen your happiness

Nights find you sipping your favorite wine

Hurt and confused by all that’s happening

Scared too of thinking about the future

Drunk, you ask yourself, why would you care?

Yes, why would give a shit?

You are out of your mind, and you like it that way

You swear you’ll do whatever it takes

To get back even with him, whatever it takes

And when everything’s been done and dusted

He’ll live with regret for the rest of his life

But for now why would you care

When every has been broken and to trust

You must begin from scratch cautious like scientist

Yes, you are a scientist trying to experiment again

After a failed attempt, grave as leaving you broken hearted

But then you won’t care about anything anymore 

The Woes Of Long Distance Traveler

Every time I am travelling long distance, which of course is anywhere I can’t get in under three hours by walking, I often rue my forgetfulness. Like how can a sane man forget to pick his car from the show room? Of course I can’t go there now because parking fees have accumulated over time, and now I have to part with millions. This should serve as a polite reminder to people out there: GO GET YOUR CARS BEFORE YOU FACE THE SAME PREDICAMENT AS ME.  In the mean time let me get dirty water splashed in me whenever the angels above squirt incessantly up there. It is a deserved punishment, on top of others that I am about to tell.

From experience passed on by our elders, you may attract unspecified curse if you don board a matatu with RIFT in its name, although people with healthy imaginations have tried to give reasons for our affinity to anything rift. One of them is that other matatu Sacco’s will leave you in the bush. For that matter every time I am travelling I either board Great Rift Shuttle, or North Rift depending on the price of fare. On this particular day, I am in Great Rift Shuttle offices very early. It turns out that there were others who were earlier than me and had occupied all seats except 1x (for those who picked their cars before parking fees skyrocketed, it is the seat between the driver and the other passenger).

Well, for the uninitiated, that seat has rules which no one bothers to tell you.

1.       That seat is not very friendly for tall people.
2.        Better avoid that seat if you had too much nocturnal business
3.        It is advisable to inquire if the driver has a boil on his right buttock, which will force him to sit at an angle close tot you.
4.       The seat is EXTREMELY OUT OF BOUNDS if 1, 2 and 3 applies to you

And because no one had warned me about the rules which I have generously stated above, I found myself climbing a matatu that had that seat as if it had been reserved for me. Previously I had used that seat without any problems. But not on this journey. I am tall. I am sleepy. The driver seemed to have a boil on his buttock, so he sat way too close to me leaving too much space on the other end. One could get the impression that he was ferrying a ghost on that side. Every time he changed the gear, and he did it way too much, he would knock me in a very unpleasant way. In fact it could be considered illegal. He would knock me back and forth, until we reached somewhere I do not care to remember. The mat gets stopped by cops and all of us are ordered to get out. Apparently the driver had been over speeding. He checked the speed governor like a thousand times with a grimace on his face.

We got out and I had the chance to stretch my tall lanky legs that should have been competition with Rudisha, and not merely talking my brain to the library or other equally useless places. By useless I mean places that people get paid to get there first. I could get the library or class faster than anyone. I am talented in that. No one can beat me in that. My fastness seems to be rewarded in reverse. One time I got to class at six in the morning, only for my laptop to be stolen.

The cops do what they are renowned for. The driver haggles with one who seemed to be the boss. He did not have blue uniform. They both settle for 2k which the driver did not have. He asks me to give him so that he could refund when we got to Nairobi. I flatly refused, not because I did not have but because I wanted to punish him for having a boil on his buttock. Of course we cannot rule out the fact that I did not have the money. Another passenger gave him the money, killing my prayers. I wanted us to be sold to another matatu so that I could take another seat. Prayers are not my thing, I guess that was what god was trying to convey to me.

We proceed with the journey. Thank god I did not lose a body party, although I almost lost my mind. 

What more could I ask for?

That smile-your smile- appears to me

Like a well sculpted piece of art

It appears to me

Like God use its specifications

To create the sun

And in His generosity spoke

“Go ye and light his dull world”

And it was so

For you are shining in it, and owning it

What more could I ask for?

That love-your love- appears to me

In the silent throbs of my heart

It appears to me like a gold mine

A whole world of treasure

Treasure that mere mortals seek

And yet to find, a vanity

But you are here…with me… for me

You are my whole world, and you are shining it?

What more could I ask for?