Monday 9 January 2017

THE LAST OF BRANDY

When the world’s misery usurps my mind
And if a glance around me, walls I find
I promise I will rush the liquor store
And buy brandy just as I’ve done before

Should my love ever doubt my undying love
Even when it seems it just descended from above
Then, without a second thought, I shall buy brandy
For stupor shall make my dejection handy

Should I ever achiever the biggest milestone
After numerous forays into the hours of dawn
I shall have no choice but to pop brandy
And make merry as a kid would to candy

In times of happiness and unimaginable sorrow
Of uncertainties and nothing to hope for
Each of those moments I’ll take a sip

Of my beloved brandy, it guarantees a peaceful sleep

Sunday 8 January 2017

A.B.C.D. [A BOY'S CARAT DREAM]

It’s the last year of the century, 1999, to the uninitiated. As the sun sets that fine day, you drive the sheep to their shed, satisfied that you weren’t tempted to drive them early so that you could afford uninterrupted play. You remember the time you risked your mother’s ire by forcing the sheep into their shed in the afternoon and marveled that they've ‘entered by themselves.’ But that was you, being the kid that you were, you never saw the bigger picture. Somehow instant gratification was what drove your decisions.

On this day, a Thursday, it’s special in some way. It’s a market day and mother doesn’t usually go the market often. You think maybe she’s gone to buy fruits for the family or maybe vegetables, being January, the driest month in the region. It’s all you can think. At sunset she arrives with a baggage. Your siblings were the first to spot her and ran to her, helping her with the baggage even though they couldn’t manage to lift it off the ground. They try and try and finally give up.

Mother places the yellow paper, sits down and asks for a cup of water. In the mean time you and your siblings forage through the bag, claiming the goodies that came from the market. You fight over one thing until mother decides whom it belongs. If it wasn’t meant for you, you either sulk or go through the bag one more time; maybe you can find something meant for you. On this day you don’t find anything special for you. Instead mother rises from her chair, and dips her hand into the bag and fishes out a maroon sweater and then asks you unceremoniously to try it. It fits you perfectly, of course with plenty room for improvement. You look at yourself quite amazed for speech.

And that’s when it hits you. It dawns on you that you are finally beginning a chapter whose ending you don’t know. No one knows. You contemplate asking your mother why she’s punishing you, for the tales you’ve heard of school weren’t appealing. Teachers were bad, they beat people for no reason. There was no joy in school, except a ceaseless routine, day in day out. Go to school early enough, sit in class, break time at certain intervals and then lunch time.

The following day you accompany your mother to the trading centre. There you meet a tailor with a ‘bad leg,’ he has a walking pole, one that was fashioned out of a blamelessly straight tree. He takes your measurements. He engages your mother but you are too busy smelling the aroma of mandazi that rule the entire place. Back then a mandazi was everything. I think it was easy luring a kid those days. All you needed was a mandazi. How they packaged it in empty flour bags!! Shit you loved it more than anything else. Put it in your dairy, grown ass man, mandazi was your first love.

A week later the uniform arrives mysteriously. Mother didn’t leave home that day. She accosts you before you go to bed and orders you to try the uniform. A pair of dark blue shorts, a light blue shirt and a maroon pullover, there were no shoes. The shorts are tiny as hell, but you are tiny as well, just six years old. The next day the journey of schooling began. You and your brand new uniform, accompany your mother to the nearest school. Mother enters an office with you in tow, your name is scribbled down on an old tattered book by an old bespectacled man.

Kipchirchir Kiprop.

That’s your name. No fancy English name. Back then you hated that name that it was almost abusive, it was actually an expletive term to call someone by their English name. You guarded it like nuclear launch codes. Any moment someone discovered it you were doomed, just like Hiroshima and Nagasaki. As far as you were concerned you didn’t want destruction. But then richer kids used their first names, the sons and daughters of athletes that lived within the precincts of the school. Of course this was a temporary arrangement before being  shipped to better schools.

After a few exchange of pleasantries, mother is instructed to take you to a classroom near the gate. There she talks with the teacher, and the leaves. You are scared shit of being alone. It dawns on you that the only place you were assured of security was being your mother. Now you are all alone in a sea of unfamiliarity. You want to cry but she assures that it will okay. At that moment your pour all your hatred on your mother and douse her with unspoken juvenile expletives.

The teacher turns out to be motherly as well and ushers you to a class full of kids. That’s when you realize you are the tallest among them all. You don’t remember but for once in your life you had to ‘borrow’ permission to shit. And there was a designated place to shit too. Back at home the bush came in handy, for the hole in the pit latrine looked huge. It looked like you could slip through it and die a slow painful death, corroded by feaces. The ‘borrowing of permission’ was the hardest part. Unfortunately there was no manual for that. Now, you wish you could tell people that you didn’t shit on your brand new uniform on the first day of school.

The saddest thing about school then was that you didn’t know the reason why you went to school. It felt like you went there to wait for holidays. Or get promoted to the next class after a year. Nevertheless you gave your best shot. You learnt how to hold a pen and scribble things down, though incomprehensible. It was deemed a good step towards progress.

Then came the singing. Endless singing. When you thought you were done, then came more singing. About alphabets, numbers, days of the week and months. The only singing you truly enoyed was the one before you went for lunch.

Naskia sauti, sauti ya mama
Sasa ni saa sita, sasa ni saa sita
Kwaheri mwalimu
Bye bye teacher
Mungu akipenda tutaonana kesho na tusome

********
A few years later you make friends who you played with, went home with for lunch. And as you grew, it became apparent that you didn’t deserve the kind of education offered in that school. Your parents begin head hunting for a new school, where you’d get quality education. But that wasn’t what was on your mind. It was a matter of affluence. Relatively rich homes didn’t keep their kids in day schools where they scored 200 marks. No, they aimed big. They take you to interviews in schools so far away from home, schools hidden in the bush that to reach you must board matatus, alight and board another before you get there. It seemed god was reading your mind for the interview was as hard as Wabukala’s next job.

When everything had been exhausted you went back to your school.

“Are you sure you are not transferring?” asked the teacher, a slightly bulky woman. She doesn’t want to enter you into the class register. She knows somehow, that your parents have already handed in a transfer request.

“I am not transferring,” you reply back. As far as you were concerned passing interviews were a mirage. Even if there was one in the offing, you were sure as hell that you would not be offered a place.

The next day you fail to show up for school. There’s an interview to attend. You don’t give so much thought about success. The last three amounted to nothing but failure. In your mind you’d be back to continue with the same people you’ve known all along, get your 200 marks and live an adulterated village life, a life without too many complications and ambitions. But on that day the gods were on your side. You passed the interview. All of a sudden, you were going to a new school, an academy, and most importantly a boarding school.

A new chapter began in 2005, six years after you began school. With new friends, new mode of teaching, and getting used to badly cooked food and doing your own laundry. In class a few were curious about how you used to perform in your former school.

“I was number two,” you blurt with a sense of triumph. You saw the disappointment in her face. It meant she has to be pushed further down the performance index the next time an exam was done. But then something nags her and she asks the marks you got.

“296,” you say with a sense of pride. Truth is that was the best performance ever in your entire upper primary education. A new comer had beaten you. She settles to her book assured that you are not an academic threat.

A short, slim man pops into the class room and hands you a 200 pages exercise book. There’s fear and reverence that abound the man. You later learnt that he was dressed in a pullover, a hand knit brown turtleneck one, that spoke of his foul mood. When you spotted him in it you watched how you breathed lest your violate one of his many unwritten rules. You would curse the day you were born, the one who bore you and the canal you passed. He was a Kisii by the way. You promise yourself to look for him one of these days, get to know him on a level you aren’t afraid of him.

Three days later, the slim man pops into the classroom with anger. Everybody in class stiffens up as he grabs you by the collar. A sigh of relief ripples through the classroom when you are picked and man handled like someone who just murdered a brother over a plate of ugali. The previous day, the class had been given a composition to write and apparently you had written nonsense.

“What is this?” he fumes, pointing at a single page of the nonsense you had managed to craft.
He flogs you with vengeance. Eight strokes fall on your buttocks. You don’t flinch or budge. The strokes fall one after the other, you don’t even bother to count, you classmates do it for you. You don’t shout, you don’t cry.  When he’s done he tears the page and orders you to rewrite the essay. You rise, dust yourself and you are greeted by something more than awe. They had never witnessed someone who would withstand the man’s wrath, without flinching. You stare at the page he just tore and slowly put it back into your locker desk. He never asks for it later on.

A year down the line, you score 400 marks. You can’t tell the joy that rippled through your being that day. Lagging behind for the better part of your infancy at the school, made you realize that everything is possible, of course with a few floggings here and there. Two more years and you manage decent marks that enabled you to join a secondary school, a provincial one, where you began seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Good grades and your life was all but a guaranteed bliss. You had to surmount the challenge of chemistry and physics. There was no way you could defy the laws of physics because there was no chemistry between the two of you.

Thank god you emerged victorious at the end of the gruesome battle, drained but at least breathing. For the first time you breathe a sigh a relief, you dad’s money didn’t go to waste. Many times before you entertained the thoughts of how best he could have used the money he spent on your school fees. He could have visited every holiday destination around the world, or probably have bought a mansion at Beverly Hills Los Angeles, singing to Jay Z’s Forever Young. Attaining grades that ensured direct entry into university wiped all those thoughts away. For once he asked you what you wanted to do with your life (he never did before).

*******
The devil is always out there to rob people of their happiness. He just can’t stand the sight of people being happy, even for no reason or just for reaping what they sowed over the years.  Right now he’s waiting to rob you a chance for a job, a prospective lover, a dream you’ve held since you grew conscious of your surroundings. The devil is always there waiting for a chance to strike. And strangely the devil is sometimes hidden in us, within us, probing us to make decisions that are conducive for his growth and manifestation.

Before you have digested the results, your parents, having not gotten so used to your presence at for longer periods, decide that you need to do computer studies. Your father sends you to scout for a college within town and off you go, one fine morning. While in town, still prospecting, not actually prospecting but finding a way of writing a receipt to reflect the amount you've told him, and of course pocket the rest, he calls you and triumphantly announces change of plans.

“I have changed my mind. You will study a diploma course. I want you to help your sister out, “he says when you get into the car.

Just like that you find yourself doing a course in purchasing and supplies management. But this time round you are commuting from home to town, an hour work and another hour in a matatu. For a seven am class, you had to be up by 5 am lest you be late. That’s the earliest legal time you’ve had to wake, not forgetting the chilly mornings, plus morning dew.

Amid all the angst, the hating, the skiving of school and the eventual spanking, you decide to man up and complete the course. There you found love that you still doubt if it is, after that really bad let down from her part. After a year you had your diploma, something you couldn’t even celebrate. In it you lost the meaning of learning of education. But you had, it belonged to you and nobody else.

Enter university, the last phase of life. Here you take journalism, a roller coaster and the struggle to beat deadlines. The hardest part of university is deadlines. Nothing else. And worrying about exams and cats. It’s here that you finally taste the night life, the fable that had been narrated in high school and for once it hits you that it’s for those whose wallets are faint hearted. The night is prone to brawls from mean who, after taking three or four bottles decide that every man wants to snatch their woman, or because he sees himself as the undisputed heavy weight champion of the world.

*******
Officially you can sing Kanye West’s song Can’t Tell Me Nothing.
Class started two hours ago
O am I late?
Nooo, I already graduated

Suddenly you learn that there are no jobs. Nobody tells you this in university, you learnt to write a business plan though but for the purposes of examination. Right now you have no clue of what you wrote about.



And that’s your ABCD of life; A Boys Carat Dream

Monday 2 January 2017

TELL JEPLETING TO STOP SEEING THAT BASTARD

Tell Jepleting to stop seeing that bastard
He is not worthy to make me a granddad
Tell her about women who drive cars
Tell Jepleting about women who are the stars
And rule the night with an iron fist
Tell her slowly, this I insist
What do they discuss with a chang’aa addict
A class seven dropout and a failed athlete
Lalang’ told me how she’s smiles with him
When he told her he wanted to take her downstream
What do they discuss if not about babies I’ll raise?
Tell her clearly, let her senses arise
And that bastard too, Jepleting might be stubborn
Tell him I’ll come for his balls at dawn
Before he deposits filthy things in my daughter
Tell him to look for daughters of chang’aa addicts thereafter
Tell that bastard I’ll gorge his eyes out
Tell him when he’s sober, at dawn before he’s out and about

UTAWEZA?

Fair maid posed, utaweza?
Complexing a simplicity.....

Got I feeling....

Like am about to take off to the moon unaided
Like am trying to dispute the law of gravity

Like am about to find the cure for ebola
Or better yet raise the dead from their graves

Like am about to come up with a mathematical formaulae
to explain how people fall in love

Like am trying to break down the Da Vinci code
Like am just about to think of inventing a new planet within earth

Like am harbouring intentions of hitting on Malia and Sasha
Or pee on the gates of White House

Keep calm and let me manufucture heaven right here
Am no God but For YOU imma be one

DEAR YOU

I think about you to a point I don't miss you 
Yours is one of the very few precious memories 
My little gem that defines my worth 
You take me places, most of which I rarely know 
Save for the want to be where you take me 
-it's exactly where I want to be 
Where the stars cease shining, dimmed by your smile 
Where the oceans touch 
And that's where I find the most of peace
Manage somehow a sleep of peace
You are my muse, dearie
Am glad you are 

Saturday 31 December 2016

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

The New Year is here. Just like Christmas it shall find me holed up in some god knows where. Apparently it’s already New Year, biblically. Got this news from a highly placed source who requested anonymity. And typically this New Year shit is already late by a few hours. Let’s make resolutions, right? 

I don’t belong to those New Year new me kind of folks. It’s outdated. It’s for people who are disillusioned about life. Why wait until one a number that has been constant in the calendar for a whole 365 days, changes? It’s just a subtle way of hoodwinking yourself. For me its same old me, same old shit, for another 365 days. Trust me I do expect different results, that’s how I’ve gotten results any way.

But here are some of my prayers for 2016.

Blessings to everybody who owes me money
I project a tough year ahead and I am already toughening up by asking God to bless every single soul out there who owes me money. And let it be enough that they don’t find it painful paying me back.

Let me have airtime when in deep shit

I won’t call you all the time, in fact I am not calling you at all except when I am in deep financial trouble. And times have been kind; I have seen few of those. But then 2017 is a different beast all together. On times such those let me have plenty of airtime to seek help from people we might have even talked the entire 2016. I won’t ambush you on the material day, rather I will start rehearsing a month early. I am the kind who knows what will happen ahead. If I suddenly start calling you regularly, even wishing you a good night, please start saving.

Let Man Utd finish ahead of Arsenal in league

Arsenal fans! These are so good at telling you how your team sucks. They are like a bunch of single guys who constantly tell you how your girlfriend is ugly, but contend dry spells like no one’s business. At least every night we look at a trophy. It’s better to have won a couple of times than to have not at all. Come May, it’s my prayer that we finish ahead of these noisy fellas.

I wish for sanity in people


I am among the many people out here who never quite understand why people do support the politicians they do. Why would you want someone’s meat so badly? Why don’t you just go and hunt your own, a fresh one? I wish that people are sane enough not to let their difference in choices come between them. After all we are all one, aren’t we?

Monday 31 October 2016

Truthful Voices We Ignore

Sometimes there are truthful voices we ignore. 
17th October, 2013. It’s was Sunday. It’s a wonder that you remember things that don’t really have much value depending on how you view it. Things that are tested in exams take so long to remember when you need to, but some events last forever. May be its time we give value to things that we don’t easily forget, more than them being mere memories.

On this day I was heading home from Nairobi. I had never been to Nairobi before and as fate would have I got selected to join this school inches from land marks that really identify Nairobi. My raw vie of Nairobi was one large concrete jungle, street after street. I was amazed to see trees and more so a park just beside the city. Marvels from a village boy that was me then.

I had been to every single place Nairobi, had to offer. The night life was something I had yearned. Blame it on these cool kids from considerably rich families. Looking back they weren’t really rich but confident. They grew up watching movies and TV, whichever come first. They told stories of clubbing and shit. And when we stepped into the city, having a taste of became an obsession, the first thing to check off our bucket list. First to Simmers Club, then a myriad of others before we got whisked out of one, at 3 a.m. Then the reality of being murdered by mongrel humans hit us as we strolled atop Thika Super Highway to Ngara. To top it we had to climb a wall back to the hostel considering the watchman had already slept. Then imagine doing that while high.

It dawn on me that night life wasn’t for those whose wallets were faint at heart. I had to redo my bucket list, strip off night life and replace it with something more interesting, something I didn’t manage to up to now. Still redoing my bucket list.

To truly bid bye to city, anybody from the rift will tell you North Rift Shuttle is the choice. Early that morning, I was at their offices ready to carry my city lessons back to my village. I booked the back right seat. I don’t remember if it was the only one remaining or I chose it out of my own volition. I realized it had been a mistake, later on when we had successfully navigated our way out of the congested city. Up to date I still wonder why there are so many people, moving unceasingly all the damn time.

You see I sat beside a couple. Judging from their dressing they weren’t that well off but weren’t struggling. The lady was in a long sleeved rd top and cheap jeans trouser, those that they sell by the roadside. She was happy, that I could tell. The man on the other hand was stone faced as if he had been forced into making the journey.


The lady kept receiving and making calls until her battery ran off. She asked for her man’s which he did without a second thought. The lady seemed to have a business that necessitated her instructions from time to time. Once a caller inquired where she was and triumphantly said she was being ‘taken out’.  There was a pride in the way she said it, like she had won a wager. It seemed the man was keen on taking the relationship to the next level.

Later the calls became scanty as the journey wore on. She’d lean on her man’s chest and ask those questions ladies ask, in a childlike awe. If there’s anything amazing is the way ladies ask questions. Like why is a zebra stripped? Beb si tutaenda Mombasa? The dude never smiled. He answered her questions nonchalantly, like he was absent and his body was inadvertently in a Matatu, travelling to god-knows-where with a lady it loved.

In truth I envied him. The lady was too much in love. In this day and age it’s rare to find ladies who truly love you. Like Chris Brown said, they ain’t loyal anymore. She would laugh in a sonorous way, teasing me at my corner. I couldn’t help but compare mine to theirs. There was this voice that seemed to tell me I wasn’t significant any more. I would ignore it, but it was incessant. Trouble with our hearts is they listen more to what it wants to hear. Right there it wanted to hear that it was deeply in love with her and she was too.

She’d meet me at Eldoret. For the first time in the relationship she never bothered to ask where I had reached. I didn’t too. I only called her when I alighted. The first call went answered. Second the same. The third time she answered in a very sleepy voice, that didn’t feign annoyance. I had ruined a Sunday afternoon siesta. I told her I was in town, just a few metres from where she resided. She had never allowed me into her house and I figured out may be she didn’t want me to the subject of gossip from her neighbours or she had another guy who had unrestricted access to her house. I had gotten over that and wasn’t hoping that she’d change her mind soon.

She promised she’d be out in a few minutes. The minutes turned into many. I contemplated leaving without seeing her but something told me to wait a few more minutes. Thirty minutes later she called. She emerged from the buildings lethargically, bound by something invisible. She walked like someone being led to the gallows. We greeted each other like strangers, without even a faked smile. No hugs.

She’d normally insist I stay for a while but on that particular day she let me go. She seemed to have dished her last shred of care. I had failed her numerously. She had earmarked her exit route and she’d do so at the earliest opportunity. Communication became scanty and when it did happen it seemed forced, her hurling insults then half hearted apologies, which she’d withdraw soon after or ask herself why she was apologizing.

In all honesty, there is always a voice that tells you a relationship isn’t right. I don’t know if its science but there exists an element called ether that links minds. Often times we are thinking of so many things at the same time to focus on what another person is thinking. Ever tried calling your significant other and she tells you she was about to or was texting you? That’s the power of minds. It communicates with another mind, and in the case of discomfort, the other mind will tell that your minds are no longer incompatible.

Don’t ignore that voice. Listen to it. Make your way out of relationships that don’t work.