Into This Life, My Life

The long time that lay ahead perpetuated emptiness, an impalpable loss and grief. I didn't know what to make of my day. The desire to do something  better with my time only increased the void I have always known to be part of me. It seemed it would take forever to fill; to attain a sense of fulfillment. The craving for everything better (clothes, shoes and phones) became a futility each passing second i failed to do something tangible with the time disposed at my feet at such unfathomable abundance

Dreams jeer at me every chance they get. And they get it all the time except when I'm under to influence of liquor. I choose to ignore it taunts but I fail miserably in each attempt. It seems to retreat behind my back to launch itself then ambush me in an overwhelming force that I cant resist. I get swept away in an abyss. It takes days to know where I am, weeks to plan how to retrieve myself from the mess, months to execute and years to be fully free from it.

My hope is to be free from every chain that seems to curtail my personal development, slowing down my progress to greater things and greater heights. Even though it seems I am my own enemy I refuse to confront it in the battlefield. it looks like it can beat me hands down. I seek easy ways of soothing my makeshift ego with flimsy alibis. I look around myself and wish something was like this or like that. Then  I seem to wait fro things to be like the wait I want instead of using the tools I have to better myself. (If I always thought like this I would be far)

For the meanwhile, I indulge in a world that borders on despair and hope, my feet firmly fixed on both worlds and the absent desire i so crave to seek the fortunes there's on this earth. The urge to leave the comfort zone that is my dreamland is clipped by a force that I can see but its whispers I can perceive around me. Then i lie on my bed and imagine all the luxurious things i would own...